I recently finished reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and it’s given me new insights on how to communicate effectively. Violent communication stems from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment. The premise of the book is that if we communicate based on our observations, feelings, and needs rather than judgment and diagnosis, we’ll be able to communicate in an empathetic and giving way.
There are four components to nonviolent communication: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. We first express ourselves honestly through the four components, then empathetically receive through the same four components.
- Observe without evaluating
Clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation. People are prone to hearing criticism and resist whatever we’re saying when observation and evaluation are mixed.
Example: In the sentence, “My aunt complains when I talk to her.”, the word “complains” is an evaluation. An observation without evaluation could look like this: “My aunt called me three times this week, and each time talked about people who treated her in ways she didn’t like.” - Identify and express feelings
Feelings can be difficult to express properly because in the English language, you can use the word “feel” without actually expressing a feeling. For example, “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal” doesn’t actually express a feeling. The words “I feel” could be more accurately replaced with “I think.” In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word “feel” is followed by words such as that, like, as if. Conversely, it is not necessary to use the word feel at all when we are actually expressing a feeling: we can say, “I’m feeling irritated,” or simply, “I’m irritated.” Statements such as “I feel misunderstood” can easily be mistaken as an expression of feelings, but is an assessment of how we interpret others’ behavior rather than what we are actually feeling. The feeling may be anxious or annoyed. - Needs — Acknowledge the root of our feelings
Needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action. When acknowledging our feelings, one important thing to remember is: what others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause. When we hear a negative message such as, “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met!”, we have four options for receiving it:
a. blame ourselves — accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves. The cost is our self-esteem, and we’ll be inclined to feel guilt and shame.
b. blame others — “You have no right to say that! I’m always considering your needs. You’re the one who is really self-centered.” When we receive messages this way and blame the speaker, we’re likely to feel anger.
c. sense our own feelings and needs — “When I hear you say that I’m the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.” By focusing on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized.
d. sense others’ feelings and needs — “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”
By acknowledging our own needs, we accept responsibility for our own feelings, rather than blame other people.
Example:
A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”
Speaker A attributes his disappointment solely to the other person’s actions. Speaker B attributes his disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire.
We can use the phrase “I feel ___ because I ___” to deepen our awareness of our own responsibility. The more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the better chance we have of getting those needs met. - Requests — Ask for actions that might fulfill our needs
Ask for what we do want, rather than what we don’t want. Negative requests are likely to provoke resistance, and people are often confused as to what is actually being requested. The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect back. Even if the message isn’t heard, express appreciation when the listener tries to meet our request for reflection. We could say “I’m grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I can see that I didn’t make myself as clear as I’d have liked, so let me try again.”
Requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with to tell if it’s a demand or request. If the speaker then criticizes, judges, or lays a guilt trip, it’s a demand. When a demand is received, we focus on doing it to avoid punishment, rather than the value of the action itself.
If someone doesn’t agree to our genuine request, the most powerful way to communicate is to empathize with them. Empathizing with someone’s “no” demonstrates that we are making a request rather than a demand, and protects us from taking it personally. We don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes.
After expressing these 4 components, we then apply the same 4 components to hearing what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting, which we refer to as receiving empathetically. Empathy requires us to listen with our whole being, be present, and shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them. Oftentimes it’s frustrating for someone who is needing empathy to have us assume they want fixing advice or reassurance. When we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing. Here are some common behaviors and examples from the book that prevent us from connecting empathetically with others:
- Advising: “I think you should … ” “How come you didn’t … ?”
- One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”
- Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just … ”
- Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … ”
- Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”
- Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … ”
- Interrogating: “When did this begin?”
- Explaining: “I would have called but … ”
- Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”
After hearing what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting, we may reflect back by paraphrasing we have understood. This gives the speaker an opportunity to confirm or correct us, and offers them time to reflect and delve deeper in themselves. The book suggests paraphrasing with questions that focus on the four components — examples below:
- Observing: “Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week?”
Non-NVC way: “What did I do that you are referring to?” - Feelings & Needs: “Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more appreciation of your efforts than you received?”
Non-NVC way: “How are you feeling?” “Why are you feeling that way?” - Request: “Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for saying what I did?”
Non-NVC way: “What are you wanting me to do about it?”
The non-NVC questions ask for information without first sensing the speaker’s reality. If we first reveal our own feelings and needs that are generating the question, the speaker will feel safer. When there is a sense of relief, or the other person stops talking, it is evidence that an empathetic understanding has been received.
Sometimes pain blocks our ability to empathize. We need empathy to give empathy. If we are unable to give ourselves empathy, one other way Rosenberg suggests is to scream nonviolently. If we are able to speak our pain without blame, even people in distress are sometimes able to hear our need.
Example: “Hey, I’m in a lot of pain! Right now I really do not want to deal with your fighting! I just want some peace and quiet!”
Though compliments use positive words, they are often judgments. For example, “You did a good job on that report.” Appreciation in this form reveals very little of the speaker, and sometimes can be used as a means to influence others to work harder. When NVC is used for appreciation, it is purely to celebrate, not to get something in return. There are three components to NVC appreciation:
- The actions that have contributed to our well-being.
- The particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled.
- The pleasure feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs.
In short, saying thank you in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”
Example: “When you said these two things, I felt very hopeful and relieved, because I’ve been searching for a way to make a connection with my son, and these gave me the direction I was looking for.”
When we receive appreciation expressed in this way, we can do so without any feeling of superiority or false humility—instead we can celebrate along with the person who is offering the appreciation.
So you see, even appreciation can be expressed as judgment. I am a person who frequently judges. One of the activities I get to practice is to list judgments with the prompt “I don’t like people who are ___”, then ask myself, “When I make that judgment of a person, what am I needing and not getting?” By doing this, we can train ourselves to think in terms of unmet needs rather than in terms of judgments of other people.
I hope this blog post has provided you insights on how to communicate in a more empathetic and effective way. In summary, NVC can be communicated in the format: “When ___, I feel ___, because I am needing ___. Therefore I would like ___.” When we can speak without judgment and take responsibility for our own feelings, we open our heart to be empathetic and giving.
